Posts tagged romance

wretchedoftheearth:

I do find it funny that lesbians are perceived as man-hating but gay men are not perceived as woman-hating, and in fact are often illogically shielded from accusations of misogyny simply by being gay

aromanticaardvark:

outlawroad:

I’m interested in both the actual and ideal relationship conduct of cross-orientation allosexuals: people whose romantic and sexual orientations don’t match.

Just to review, cross-orientation sexual identities include but aren’t limited to:

• heteromantic homosexual
• homoromantic heterosexual
• biromantic heterosexual
• biromantic homosexual
• homoromantic bisexual
• heteromantic bisexual
• aromantic heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual
• heteromantic pansexual
• biromantic pansexual
• homoromantic pansexual
• panromantic bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual

I imagine that the most common practice amongst these allosexuals is to still have conventional romantic-sexual relationships with others because that’s the normative behavior and lifestyle, and perhaps some cross-orientation folks don’t mind being in these functionally normative relationships, even though they’re not actually experiencing one form of attraction to their partners while participating in the relationships.

But there must be some cross-orientation allosexuals who really would prefer to keep their romantic and sexual relationships separate. Who want nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and to have that separation happen in the most seamless way possible.

I figure the biggest problem for cross-orientation allosexuals is invisibility, like it is for asexuals. If you’re a cross-orientation allosexual person and you meet another allosexual who isn’t—one who just experiences romantic and sexual attraction the same gender or genders—trying to communicate that you’re romantically into them but not sexually into them or vice versa is hella difficult because they just don’t know that such a thing is possible or that cross-orientation sexuality exists. And we live in a culture that says romance doesn’t exist without sex and ongoing sex without romance is the behavior of somebody “afraid of commitment” or “afraid of emotional attachment” or somebody who’s a slut and just wants to have sex with multiple people rather than one person they’re dating.

But in a perfect world, where everyone in society knows that cross-orientation sexuality exists and where everyone is open-minded enough to accept nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and the coexistence of a sexual partner with a romantic partner who are two different people involved with the same person, would the average cross-orientation allosexual set out to form romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance and say “fuck it” to combining the two forevermore?

Are there already cross-orientation allosexuals who have managed to form these separate relationships in their lives? How’s it going?

And what about aromantic allosexuals? I’m guessing they’re the cross-orientation types who are most easily demonized, when other allosexuals actually hear about them. What’s an aromantic allosexual’s first choice lifestyle? Regular sex and otherwise no life partner, living alone, having friends? Sex with people they’re attracted to sexually and a nonsexual/nonromantic life partner who’s the emotional center of their lives? For aromantic allosexuals who want a life partner, does gender matter? Do some aromantic allosexuals want more than one partner? A kind of nonromantic polyamory?

I’m a celibate asexual with no romantic identity, but I’m really interested in cross-orientation allosexuals and their experiences and the possibility they represent of a diverse society where nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are practiced as commonplace, accepted, supported lifestyle choices. I can understand wanting love without sex, and though I don’t desire sex, I have always perfectly understood and supported sex devoid of romance.

I think cross-orientation sexuality needs to become visible. I think it needs to be discussed openly. I think it needs to have a presence in our media. I think cross-orientation allosexuals should be able to separate their romantic relationships from their sexual relationships as they desire, rather than having to settle for romantic-sexual relationships just because those are the norm and most allosexuals don’t think nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are acceptable.

I just want to live in a world where everybody understands that you can love someone romantically and not feel sexually attracted them, you can want to fuck someone silly but not feel a shred of romantic attraction to them, you can want romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance, and you don’t need to sexualize a romantic relationship to make it real or romanticize a sexual relationship to make it appropriate.

definitely a thing, and an important concept to have!

metapianycist:

Sometimes I question my aromantic-spectrum identity for the reason that I have no idea what romantic attraction would even entail for me, if I were aware of experiencing it as such.

Then I remember that I have no idea what romantic attraction is or feels like other than being told “you know it when you feel it,” and I am certain again that I don’t experience it. If I have no awareness of having a certain feeling, I can’t be experiencing that feeling at all.

I think the “you know it when you feel it” phrase isn’t as accurate as people like to think.

There are definitely times when romantic attraction hits you like running into a brick wall, but it is a complicated feeling since it’s more like a collective of feelings rather than just one. So for some (many?) people there are times where you may get some of those feelings & aren’t sure if it’s enough to be considered romantic or they may not even be as intense as expected & may not even really notice them.

When I’m talking about feelings though I’m basically referring to infatuation since that’s how romantic attraction manifests itself for me & many others. I don’t get the “I wanna date/be in a romantic relationship with you” thoughts at some point like most people do, but that’s because I don’t like how clingy they seem & interpersonal attraction normally doesn’t overlap with it.

I guess the conscious interest in romance with someone is enough for someone to tell they’re being romantically attracted to someone, I’ve seen it personally & don’t really get it myself though, but as far as the “romantic feelings” everyone talks about I’m pretty sure that’s infatuation.

….wow that was rambly.