Posts tagged romance
Posts tagged romance
I noticed theres no blogs dedicated to mixed orientations at all, which I think is a problem. The only time you see anyone talking about romantic/sexual orientations not matching is on asexual (“who can be of any romantic orientation”) or aromantic (“who can be of any sexual orientation”) blogs, which still excludes a lot of people who may feel torn, questioning or confused about their feelings.
So I really want to help run a blog that focuses on:
Anyone want to help me on this? Obviously I think it would be best if it was run by people with mixed orientations, but otherwise I think it’s important that moderators (right term?) have diverse experiences & identities.
For reference I’m a hetero(grey)romantic asexual cis woman (and single, white, able-bodied, neuro-atypical in her early 20s). This is something I (or anyone probably) definitely can’t/shouldn’t do alone.
P.S. - I’m thinking about calling it “ mixed-not-matched “…..really as long as it’s something that indicates non matching sexual/romantic orientations I think it should be ok
I love how people so often seem to forget that romantic attraction =/= sexual attraction. Those two are different.
A person can be homosexual but biromantic, for example.
This is important.
Please don’t ignore romantic attraction.
There really needs to be a blog dedicated to this. I’m so disappointed there doesn’t seem to be one already :(
College Final Major Project
These are posters I created for my final major project at the end of my 2-year Level 3 BTEC Extended Diploma in Graphic Design.
I decided to create an information pack for schools and colleges providing resources for them to share with students about LGBT+ issues.
Created in Illustrator.
You are welcome to print these for your own personal use or to put up in LGBT+ safe spaces/societies/clubs/etc.
"Inside Out" is a fictional campaign.
While these are wonderful, I’m kind of upset that you forgot about bisexuals… :(
I guess because bisexuality is relatively more known & understood so they decided to skip it. Then again I’ve heard/read some really ridiculous things about people’s impression on bisexuality, so a poster on that probably wouldn’t be a bad idea…
Mark Carrigan, Asexuality: The ‘X’ In A Sexual World
I love this quote so much because I’ve said the SAME thing to my friends when talking about asexuality. So many times in our culture we couple romance and sex and they just AREN’T the same thing. They aren’t the same feeling. And, I’ll use TV as an example, too many times in our media shows will write in “romantic” plots and most of it is about sex and we are expected to enjoy this—expected to support this. But it feels so unreal and contrived because this kind of portrayal weighs heavily on the sexual aspect of a relationship, and we as the audience on some level understand that this isn’t right. That a truly romantic relationship/connection isn’t necessarily about sex or sexual desire.
The reality is that romance and sex are different. They may support each other, but they are fundamentally different. Having a distinction, thanks to the asexual community, i think allows us to speak to a new language of interpersonal connection. One that is richer and more definitive than the distinctively sexualized one we’ve been speaking.
“i hope you fall in love with someone who makes you question why you ever thought you would be better off alone” i hope someone casually invalidates a fairly significant part of your identity for the sake of a shitty john green-esque text post
I wonder how they expect someone to take that….”Yeah, maybe one day I will have such feelings for someone to the point of co-dependency. What a joyful day that will be, to never again be responsible for my own happiness!”
Aro or not, that’s a rather shitty thing to hope for someone.
It’s twisted that such an unhealthy message is so damn prevalent.
one of the most poisonous myths of our culture is that you need to be in love to be fully a person
I am not half of a whole
I am whole within myself (and so are you, and so is everybody)
if you can’t live without someone, if you need someone else to feel complete, if you feel like less of a person when you’re not in love, that’s not love, that’s codependence
healthy love is what happens when two whole people choose to stand side by side — not because they need each other, but because they don’t want to be apart even though they could be
I am not waiting for my other half
I am whole
I do find it funny that lesbians are perceived as man-hating but gay men are not perceived as woman-hating, and in fact are often illogically shielded from accusations of misogyny simply by being gay
I’m interested in both the actual and ideal relationship conduct of cross-orientation allosexuals: people whose romantic and sexual orientations don’t match.
Just to review, cross-orientation sexual identities include but aren’t limited to:
- heteromantic homosexual
- homoromantic heterosexual
- biromantic heterosexual
- biromantic homosexual
- homoromantic bisexual
- heteromantic bisexual
- aromantic heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual
- heteromantic pansexual
- biromantic pansexual
- homoromantic pansexual
- panromantic bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual
I imagine that the most common practice amongst these allosexuals is to still have conventional romantic-sexual relationships with others because that’s the normative behavior and lifestyle, and perhaps some cross-orientation folks don’t mind being in these functionally normative relationships, even though they’re not actually experiencing one form of attraction to their partners while participating in the relationships.
But there must be some cross-orientation allosexuals who really would prefer to keep their romantic and sexual relationships separate. Who want nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and to have that separation happen in the most seamless way possible.
I figure the biggest problem for cross-orientation allosexuals is invisibility, like it is for asexuals. If you’re a cross-orientation allosexual person and you meet another allosexual who isn’t—one who just experiences romantic and sexual attraction the same gender or genders—trying to communicate that you’re romantically into them but not sexually into them or vice versa is hella difficult because they just don’t know that such a thing is possible or that cross-orientation sexuality exists. And we live in a culture that says romance doesn’t exist without sex and ongoing sex without romance is the behavior of somebody “afraid of commitment” or “afraid of emotional attachment” or somebody who’s a slut and just wants to have sex with multiple people rather than one person they’re dating.
But in a perfect world, where everyone in society knows that cross-orientation sexuality exists and where everyone is open-minded enough to accept nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and the coexistence of a sexual partner with a romantic partner who are two different people involved with the same person, would the average cross-orientation allosexual set out to form romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance and say “fuck it” to combining the two forevermore?
Are there already cross-orientation allosexuals who have managed to form these separate relationships in their lives? How’s it going?
And what about aromantic allosexuals? I’m guessing they’re the cross-orientation types who are most easily demonized, when other allosexuals actually hear about them. What’s an aromantic allosexual’s first choice lifestyle? Regular sex and otherwise no life partner, living alone, having friends? Sex with people they’re attracted to sexually and a nonsexual/nonromantic life partner who’s the emotional center of their lives? For aromantic allosexuals who want a life partner, does gender matter? Do some aromantic allosexuals want more than one partner? A kind of nonromantic polyamory?
I’m a celibate asexual with no romantic identity, but I’m really interested in cross-orientation allosexuals and their experiences and the possibility they represent of a diverse society where nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are practiced as commonplace, accepted, supported lifestyle choices. I can understand wanting love without sex, and though I don’t desire sex, I have always perfectly understood and supported sex devoid of romance.
I think cross-orientation sexuality needs to become visible. I think it needs to be discussed openly. I think it needs to have a presence in our media. I think cross-orientation allosexuals should be able to separate their romantic relationships from their sexual relationships as they desire, rather than having to settle for romantic-sexual relationships just because those are the norm and most allosexuals don’t think nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are acceptable.
I just want to live in a world where everybody understands that you can love someone romantically and not feel sexually attracted them, you can want to fuck someone silly but not feel a shred of romantic attraction to them, you can want romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance, and you don’t need to sexualize a romantic relationship to make it real or romanticize a sexual relationship to make it appropriate.
definitely a thing, and an important concept to have!
Sometimes I question my aromantic-spectrum identity for the reason that I have no idea what romantic attraction would even entail for me, if I were aware of experiencing it as such.
Then I remember that I have no idea what romantic attraction is or feels like other than being told “you know it when you feel it,” and I am certain again that I don’t experience it. If I have no awareness of having a certain feeling, I can’t be experiencing that feeling at all.
I think the “you know it when you feel it” phrase isn’t as accurate as people like to think.
There are definitely times when romantic attraction hits you like running into a brick wall, but it is a complicated feeling since it’s more like a collective of feelings rather than just one. So for some (many?) people there are times where you may get some of those feelings & aren’t sure if it’s enough to be considered romantic or they may not even be as intense as expected & may not even really notice them.
When I’m talking about feelings though I’m basically referring to infatuation since that’s how romantic attraction manifests itself for me & many others. I don’t get the “I wanna date/be in a romantic relationship with you” thoughts at some point like most people do, but that’s because I don’t like how clingy they seem & interpersonal attraction normally doesn’t overlap with it.
I guess the conscious interest in romance with someone is enough for someone to tell they’re being romantically attracted to someone, I’ve seen it personally & don’t really get it myself though, but as far as the “romantic feelings” everyone talks about I’m pretty sure that’s infatuation.
….wow that was rambly.
[Text: ”Maybe when you meet the right person, he/she will fix you.” asexualproblems.tumblr.com]
You know, I thought about this reply & it has some very disturbing implications when you think about it.
According to them, Mr/Ms Right is just about the “one” who ends up turning you on, who you want to have sex with, who makes you “normal”….but they say nothing about how they treat you as a person.
Lets say Alex here has never been sexually attracted to someone before. They know this, but doesn’t know anyone else like them even exists & may not be aware that it’s ok. So Alex is kind of worried about it explains this to someone & that someone gives them that line we just love hearing, “That will change when you meet the right person”. So Alex thinks “Ok, that makes sense…I guess.” Some time goes by & for whatever reason, be it sexual fluidity, “late blooming”, being grey - A or whatever, Alex does meet someone who they’re not only infatuated with, but also sexually attracted to. Even better, they find out this “Right” person’s feelings are mutual. So they decide to date & for a while it all seems to work out.
Of course Alex is thinking at this point that maybe it was true, maybe they just really needed the “right” person for their feelings to change….but then it slowly starts to dawn on them that Mr/Ms Right is actually a very manipulative/abusive/control freak of a partner. By the time Alex realizes how bad it is, they have no idea how to get out of it. And to make things worse, the “right” person over here knows the impact they have on Alex….
"You can’t leave me, I’m the one who made you normal……you’d be a freak of nature if it wasn’t for me….you would just be a waste of flesh. I’m the one who fixed you..”
Maybe it is unlikely that a scenario like this will happen, but I see no reason why it can’t.
You know something is wrong when what makes the “right person” just that has nothing to do with how they treat you, but rather is defined by the fact you must be sexually drawn to them. I’m sure they didn’t mean it, I’m positive it didn’t even cross their minds when they said it….partially because nobody likes to think about it, but it sounds like being “fixed” is more important than having a sense of self-worth, security & an overall healthy, functional relationship….even if that relationship meant no sex.