Only not quite that kind of "psycho" and not quite that kind of "Sexual"

Posts tagged questioning

206 notes



I’m starting to get instantly angry every time somebody equates the queer movement with the idea that it’s all about the LOVE. Only romantic love, naturally. *rolls eyes*

The queer movement can be so much more than some shitty ‘same love’ soundbite. When people only emphasize the idea of trying to fit into some ideal romantic, monogamous relationship, they ignore the potential for queer people to question the underlying assumptions of heteronormativity, amatonormativity and gender stereotypes. Surely we can do better than trying to mimic straight romantic relationships?

I don’t talk about my own orientation on this blog a lot, but as someone who identifies as both aromantic and gay it really irritates me when people act like being gay/queer is ONLY ever about love. It can be for some people, yes, but saying that it always is totally erases aromantic gay/queer people.

As well as anyone else with mixed orientations. Can’t imagine how confusing it must be for those who aren’t aware of that concept & try to embrace their romantic side (if they have one) yet probably struggle with having completely different sexual desires. 

Filed under LGBTQIA LGBT Rights queer questioning

88 notes

Cross-Orientation Sexuality



I’m interested in both the actual and ideal relationship conduct of cross-orientation allosexuals: people whose romantic and sexual orientations don’t match.

Just to review, cross-orientation sexual identities include but aren’t limited to:

  • heteromantic homosexual
  • homoromantic heterosexual
  • biromantic heterosexual
  • biromantic homosexual
  • homoromantic bisexual
  • heteromantic bisexual
  • aromantic heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual
  • heteromantic pansexual
  • biromantic pansexual
  • homoromantic pansexual
  • panromantic bisexual, homosexual, or heterosexual

I imagine that the most common practice amongst these allosexuals is to still have conventional romantic-sexual relationships with others because that’s the normative behavior and lifestyle, and perhaps some cross-orientation folks don’t mind being in these functionally normative relationships, even though they’re not actually experiencing one form of attraction to their partners while participating in the relationships.

But there must be some cross-orientation allosexuals who really would prefer to keep their romantic and sexual relationships separate. Who want nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and to have that separation happen in the most seamless way possible.

I figure the biggest problem for cross-orientation allosexuals is invisibility, like it is for asexuals. If you’re a cross-orientation allosexual person and you meet another allosexual who isn’t—one who just experiences romantic and sexual attraction the same gender or genders—trying to communicate that you’re romantically into them but not sexually into them or vice versa is hella difficult because they just don’t know that such a thing is possible or that cross-orientation sexuality exists. And we live in a culture that says romance doesn’t exist without sex and ongoing sex without romance is the behavior of somebody “afraid of commitment” or “afraid of emotional attachment” or somebody who’s a slut and just wants to have sex with multiple people rather than one person they’re dating.

But in a perfect world, where everyone in society knows that cross-orientation sexuality exists and where everyone is open-minded enough to accept nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex and the coexistence of a sexual partner with a romantic partner who are two different people involved with the same person, would the average cross-orientation allosexual set out to form romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance and say “fuck it” to combining the two forevermore?

Are there already cross-orientation allosexuals who have managed to form these separate relationships in their lives? How’s it going?

And what about aromantic allosexuals? I’m guessing they’re the cross-orientation types who are most easily demonized, when other allosexuals actually hear about them. What’s an aromantic allosexual’s first choice lifestyle? Regular sex and otherwise no life partner, living alone, having friends? Sex with people they’re attracted to sexually and a nonsexual/nonromantic life partner who’s the emotional center of their lives? For aromantic allosexuals who want a life partner, does gender matter? Do some aromantic allosexuals want more than one partner? A kind of nonromantic polyamory?

I’m a celibate asexual with no romantic identity, but I’m really interested in cross-orientation allosexuals and their experiences and the possibility they represent of a diverse society where nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are practiced as commonplace, accepted, supported lifestyle choices. I can understand wanting love without sex, and though I don’t desire sex, I have always perfectly understood and supported sex devoid of romance.

I think cross-orientation sexuality needs to become visible. I think it needs to be discussed openly. I think it needs to have a presence in our media. I think cross-orientation allosexuals should be able to separate their romantic relationships from their sexual relationships as they desire, rather than having to settle for romantic-sexual relationships just because those are the norm and most allosexuals don’t think nonsexual romance and nonromantic sex are acceptable.

I just want to live in a world where everybody understands that you can love someone romantically and not feel sexually attracted them, you can want to fuck someone silly but not feel a shred of romantic attraction to them, you can want romantic relationships without sex and sexual relationships without romance, and you don’t need to sexualize a romantic relationship to make it real or romanticize a sexual relationship to make it appropriate.

definitely a thing, and an important concept to have!

Filed under identity questioning sexuality romance gay straight bi culture relationships love lust intimacy infatuation

18 notes

Sexuality spectrum

My very first blog entry! Why am I so nervous?  >_>

So I finally decided to put together & share a little something to try to help break down & differentiate the little details that make up human sexuality. I was motivated to do this mainly because of the confusion & misconceptions some people have about asexuality, but it goes on to much more than that (except with it’s relation to romance, that’s a whole other mess I’ll work on).

It isn’t perfect, but I think it covers the basics.


   Some people like to believe that you are either simply gay or straight, that you must have a libido and that feeling dictates your behavior or vice versa. But being the complex beings that we are, we can not be boxed-in in such a simplified way and expect it to be an accurate portrayal of how we function or experience certain aspects of life. The truth is human sexuality is ridiculously complicated (even more more so when taking romantic attraction into account) and may even appear paradoxical on the surface in some people. Because of this, many people struggle with finding their sexual identity or to simply understand their own feelings.

  This little document will distinguish the detailed aspects of sexuality by displaying four distinct categories (sexual attraction, libido, attitude & behavior) & briefly describing said categories as well as a description for some of the terms used at the end of their respective segment. It also explains that while these categories & certain aspects may have some influence over each other, none of them dictate, restrict or are wholly dependent on one another. 


  •    Sexual attraction

Instinctively finding an individual sexually appealing, ultimately making you feel or think something along the lines of “I’d tap that”; an individual automatically triggers cognitive sexual interest (sexual desire & intrusive sexual fantasies) and/or a physical sexual response (such as sex drive, sexual arousal or tingling in the genitals) due to their characteristics when sensing or thinking about them

Directional presence of attraction continuum

Testoronic sex——————-All sexes———————Estrogenic sex

 Androsexual                           Bisexual                    Gynosexual

N/A: physical sex of person is irrelevant - pansexual []

Directional absence of attraction continuum

Testoronic sex———————All sexes———————Estrogenic sex

Gynosexual                         Asexual                     Androsexual

Basis continuum


       1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

N/A: no sexual attraction to individuals - asexual []

Mind-body response continuum 


       1      2       3       4       5       6       7       8       9       10

N/A: no sexual attraction to individuals - asexual []

Circumstance/frequency continuum


  Asexual                  Graysexual              Allosexual

Flexibility continuum 


    1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

Sexual orientation - enduring pattern of presence or absence of sexual attraction toward individuals (based on feelings since, not behavior or sexual history which can be chosen or driven by other factors); the principles are fundamentally similar if not identical to that of romantic orientation, though it’s possible for both orientations to function independently of each other since they are based on different types of attraction

Androsexual - sexually attracted to people with testosteronic features, not sexually attracted to people with estrogenic features (heterosexuality in females, homosexuality in males)

Gynosexual - sexually attracted to people with estrogenic features, not sexually attracted to testosterone features (heterosexuality in males, homosexuality in females) 

Bisexual - sexually attracted to multiple sexes (may or may not have preference)

Pansexual - sexually attracted to individual regardless of their physical sex 

Asexual - not sexually attracted to members of any sex or gender; still capable of experiencing sexual pleasure, libido & being sexually active, but sexual interest cannot be instinctively directed toward any individual or triggered by their characteristics (just as females are to androsexuals & males to gynosexuals) 

Graysexual - someone whose experience of sexual attraction to others is consistently infrequent, limited to specific circumstances, weak or otherwise ambiguous; direction of attraction is not relevant (ex, andro-graysexual, bi-graysexual, etc)

Allosexual (“Sexual” most commonly used) - someone whose circumstance of experiencing sexual attraction to others is within society’s expectations; direction of attraction is not relevant

Mind-body response - how much experiencing sexual attraction leans more toward a cognitive or physical reaction; may or may not be dissonance 

Internally based - sexual attraction is mainly dependent on individual’s psychological qualities such as personality, mentality, quirks and culturally recognized gender expression

Externally based - sexual attraction is mainly dependent on individual’s physical qualities such as appearance, voice, smell, age and distinguishing characteristics of biological sex

Sexual fluidity - sexual orientation is somewhat prone to change

Sexual rigidity - sexual orientation remains consistent


  • Libido & body’s general sexual functioning

A general mental and/or physical interest in or craving for sexual activity or sexual stimulation. 

It can exist in people of all sexual orientations as it may or may not be directed toward anyone or anything specifically. Libido and sexual arousal are commonly expected to just be invoked by sensing or thinking about certain individuals mainly due to their characteristics (sexual orientation), but it can by triggered by other things and scenarios such as certain objects (fetish), observing/engaging in certain activity regardless of the individuals involved, stimulation of erogenous zones (even if the touch was never desired or consented) or may act up unexpectedly on it’s own. 

Sex drive frequency continuum


[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sex drive strength continuum


[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sex drive influence

Stimuli depedent——————————————-Spontaneous

     1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10

[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sexual motivation continuum


      1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

General pleasurablilty from sexual contact (solo)


     1      2      3     4     5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Mixed feelings  [] N/A: Never masturbated

General pleasurablilty from sexual contact (partnered)


1      2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Mixed feelings  [] N/A: No sexual history

Sexual arousal - reflexive reaction to prepare the body for the possibility of sexual contact, such as vaginal lubrication and penile erection; response to or result of certain activity and/or stimulation of erogenous zones, often associated with sex drive

Sex drive - physical craving for sexual stimulation, the bodily counterpart to sexual motivation (though one can exist without the other), often associated with sexual arousal; may or may not be triggered by external influences

Nonlibidoism* - not having a sex drive

Libidoism - having a sex drive, regardless of it’s frequency, strength or circumstance of occurrence 

Sexual motivation - conscious interest in engaging in sexual activity or sexual stimulation, the mental counterpart to sex drive (though one can exist without the other); may be generalized or unconsciously directed 

Hyposexuality (or sexual apathy) - very little to no sexual motivation

Isosexuality - typical amount of sexual motivation 

Hypersexuality - excessive sexual motivation

* Nonlibidoism is sometimes seen as an inherent “side effect” of asexuality, which is not true and may even be potentially harmful to believe. Having a sex drive isn’t necessary to live a healthy, fulfilling life, but in some cases an unexpected change or complete lack of sex drive can be a symptom of a serious medical issue. Even if being a nonlibidoist is not distressing to you, it’s a good idea to see a doctor just to make sure that nothing else is going on.


  • Attitudes

One’s disposition about self or others engaging in sexual behavior. May have as much influence on sexual behavior or celibacy as much as sexual attraction or lack thereof. Not necessarily connected to one’s sexual orientation and is much more subject to change through experience. 

Personally having sex in general


[] Mixed feelings

Society having sex


[] Mixed feelings


Having experimental sex


   1      2       3       4       5       6       7       8       9       10

Sex-Negative - perceives expression of sexuality/sexual behavior as immoral or something best to be avoided

Sex-Neutral - no strong attitude about other’s expression of sexuality/sexual behavior or otherwise perceieves it as a generally neutral topic

Sex-Positive - perceives expression of sexuality/sexual behavior as something that is potentially positive as long as it is consensual 


  • Behavior 

Choices of engaging in or avoiding sexual activity. Behavior such as frequency of having sex and the physical sex of one’s sexual partners is often heavily influenced by sexual orientation for obvious reasons, but can be driven by a number of other things that does not necessarily negate one’s sexual identity such as:

- attitudes toward sex

- curiosity

- exploring one’s sexuality or comfort zone

- compromising with or pleasing romantic partner

- concealing true feelings

- following one’s own moral code

- survival/pressure

- looking for sexual pleasure disregarding who it’s from



      []           1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10



   1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []

    Partner’s physical sex
Exclusively male———————————————Exclusively female

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []

Number of partners at a time 


Style preference 


     1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch


    1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch


     1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []


I think I got a little too careless with the behavior aspect (some of it isn’t that relevant & I probably left out somethings worth putting in) but I think this can be overall useful.

So I think I got to everything I wanted to for now.

Anything that should be clarified or tweaked?

Filed under ace asexuality attitude attraction bisexual celibacy continuum desire gray A gyno hypersexuality hyposexuality identity introspection libido pansexual queer questioning sex drive sex-negative sex-positive behavior preferences complex