Only not quite that kind of "psycho" and not quite that kind of "Sexual"

Posts tagged ace

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I am not your dirty secret



This post has been cross-posted to The Asexual Agenda.

Content warnings: mentions of sexual violence, but no specifics

Fellow aces, we need to have a discussion about how we treat sex-averse and sex-repulsed aces.  Sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are by no means a minority in the community—according to the AAW census, 65% of asexuals, 51% of grey-As, and 37% of demisexuals are either “somewhat repulsed” or “completely repulsed.”  And yet, as several people have pointed out recently, sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are consistently viewed almost as a dirty secret the community should be ashamed of.”  This treatment of sex-repulsed aces goes hand in hand with a series of ideas: Being indifferent is the Real Way to be ace.  If you’re sex-repulsed, there’s something wrong with you, and you need to see a medical professional.  If you’re sex-repulsed because of experiences of trauma or sexual violence, then you definitely need to see a medical professional and sit down and shut up and stop making people think that you’re a “normal” ace.

A strange extension of this erasure and/or silencing of sex-repulsed aces is that aces who aren’t sex-repulsed are pressured into having sex by members of their own community.  It means that it’s significantly easier to find narratives from and advice for aces who have sex (and that’s just things I found in ~5 minutes of going through bookmarks) than it is to find personal narratives from aces who are sex-averse,* despite the fact that, according to the AAW census, only 1% of asexuals, 4% of grey-As, and 11% of demisexuals enjoy having sex.  (It’s slightly easier to find stuff about aros who don’t have sex and don’t want to have sex, probably because, as everyone knows, it’s totally 100% impossible to ever have a romantic relationship without The Sex.)  It means that people who seek out ace communities because they don’t want to have sex can feel alienated by their own communities.

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THIS THIS THIS x100000000

Especially the part about how realizing you didn’t have to have sex made it less scary to talk about. I’ve become so much more comfortable with (talking about) sex since joining the ace community.

Speaking of the 2011 stuff, there was an idea going around about that time of “detoxing”: that aces can seem very anti-sex right after discovering asexuality, as a reaction to finding a welcoming community after dealing with sexual messages their entire lives. I haven’t heard anyone mention it since, but I think it was an important idea. I think we need spaces for people to be explicitly “sex-negative.*” I think that having a safe space to “detox” would allow a lot of aces to become more comfortable with (other people having) sex, as well as being supportive of people who will never be comfortable with the idea of sex.

*Not shaming other people for having sex; that’s never okay. But it would be nice to talk frankly about sex aversion without having to append a disclaimer every other sentence.

(via southpawscopic)

Filed under ace sex-positive attitude

510 notes

This distinction made in the asexual community between sexual and romantic attraction just blew my mind when I heard about it. It’s a conceptually rich language that could be very valuable to even people who are not asexual.

Mark Carrigan, Asexuality: The ‘X’ In A Sexual World

I love this quote so much because I’ve said the SAME thing to my friends when talking about asexuality. So many times in our culture we couple romance and sex and they just AREN’T the same thing. They aren’t the same feeling. And, I’ll use TV as an example, too many times in our media shows will write in “romantic” plots and most of it is about sex and we are expected to enjoy this—expected to support this. But it feels so unreal and contrived because this kind of portrayal weighs heavily on the sexual aspect of a relationship, and we as the audience on some level understand that this isn’t right. That a truly romantic relationship/connection isn’t necessarily about sex or sexual desire. 

The reality is that romance and sex are different. They may support each other, but they are fundamentally different. Having a distinction, thanks to the asexual community, i think allows us to speak to a new language of interpersonal connection. One that is richer and more definitive than the distinctively sexualized one we’ve been speaking. 

(via once-upon-a-time-the-end)

(via southpawscopic)

Filed under ace relationships romance sexuality language

52 notes


Definitely the way Asexuals feel. For me so anyway!

I remember seeing this posted on AVEN. It’s such an excellent way of explaining it, but I don’t think it should be seen as the one-size-fits-all asexual’s perspectives on sex since some of us are capable of enjoying it & for some of us there really is a fear factor to sex. It’s definitely something to communicate one on one with your partner before looking up your own answers to try to describe them.
Also, I don’t think this perspective should be thought of as being exclusive to the asexual community. 


Definitely the way Asexuals feel. For me so anyway!


I remember seeing this posted on AVEN. It’s such an excellent way of explaining it, but I don’t think it should be seen as the one-size-fits-all asexual’s perspectives on sex since some of us are capable of enjoying it & for some of us there really is a fear factor to sex. It’s definitely something to communicate one on one with your partner before looking up your own answers to try to describe them.

Also, I don’t think this perspective should be thought of as being exclusive to the asexual community. 

(Source: starklyinaccurate)

Filed under sex mixed relationships attitude ace asexuality chores

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Brief thought about The Olivia Experiment


Link to trailer of film (no subtitles available)

It seems as if the premise of the movie is this:

Main character: “I think I’m asexual. I’m going to have sex for the first time, and if I don’t like it, I’m definitely asexual, and if I do like it, I’m definitely not.”

No, main character and/or filmmakers: your argument is invalid. Attraction is not behavior.


an asexual person who has had and enjoyed sexual activity with other people

Filed under ace asexual attraction behavior film misonception movie pleasure sexuality stereotype trailer orientation queer

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Asexual NYC: A Sunday Conversation on Asexuality



Where: Metropolitan Community Church of New York (446 West 36th St between 9th and 10th Ave in Manhattan)

When: Sunday, May 6th from 12:30-2:30 pm.

What: A fantastic and educational panel discussion on asexuality featuring three aces (including your two Asexual NYC moderators). We’ll be…

Metapianycist and I will be part of this. AND IT WILL BE FABULOUS. So if you’re in the NYC area you should so be there! <3

Filed under nyc new york sexuality asexual ace queer gsm knowledge learning Church manhattan minority education metro

18 notes

Sexuality spectrum

My very first blog entry! Why am I so nervous?  >_>

So I finally decided to put together & share a little something to try to help break down & differentiate the little details that make up human sexuality. I was motivated to do this mainly because of the confusion & misconceptions some people have about asexuality, but it goes on to much more than that (except with it’s relation to romance, that’s a whole other mess I’ll work on).

It isn’t perfect, but I think it covers the basics.


   Some people like to believe that you are either simply gay or straight, that you must have a libido and that feeling dictates your behavior or vice versa. But being the complex beings that we are, we can not be boxed-in in such a simplified way and expect it to be an accurate portrayal of how we function or experience certain aspects of life. The truth is human sexuality is ridiculously complicated (even more more so when taking romantic attraction into account) and may even appear paradoxical on the surface in some people. Because of this, many people struggle with finding their sexual identity or to simply understand their own feelings.

  This little document will distinguish the detailed aspects of sexuality by displaying four distinct categories (sexual attraction, libido, attitude & behavior) & briefly describing said categories as well as a description for some of the terms used at the end of their respective segment. It also explains that while these categories & certain aspects may have some influence over each other, none of them dictate, restrict or are wholly dependent on one another. 


  •    Sexual attraction

Instinctively finding an individual sexually appealing, ultimately making you feel or think something along the lines of “I’d tap that”; an individual automatically triggers cognitive sexual interest (sexual desire & intrusive sexual fantasies) and/or a physical sexual response (such as sex drive, sexual arousal or tingling in the genitals) due to their characteristics when sensing or thinking about them

Directional presence of attraction continuum

Testoronic sex——————-All sexes———————Estrogenic sex

 Androsexual                           Bisexual                    Gynosexual

N/A: physical sex of person is irrelevant - pansexual []

Directional absence of attraction continuum

Testoronic sex———————All sexes———————Estrogenic sex

Gynosexual                         Asexual                     Androsexual

Basis continuum


       1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

N/A: no sexual attraction to individuals - asexual []

Mind-body response continuum 


       1      2       3       4       5       6       7       8       9       10

N/A: no sexual attraction to individuals - asexual []

Circumstance/frequency continuum


  Asexual                  Graysexual              Allosexual

Flexibility continuum 


    1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

Sexual orientation - enduring pattern of presence or absence of sexual attraction toward individuals (based on feelings since, not behavior or sexual history which can be chosen or driven by other factors); the principles are fundamentally similar if not identical to that of romantic orientation, though it’s possible for both orientations to function independently of each other since they are based on different types of attraction

Androsexual - sexually attracted to people with testosteronic features, not sexually attracted to people with estrogenic features (heterosexuality in females, homosexuality in males)

Gynosexual - sexually attracted to people with estrogenic features, not sexually attracted to testosterone features (heterosexuality in males, homosexuality in females) 

Bisexual - sexually attracted to multiple sexes (may or may not have preference)

Pansexual - sexually attracted to individual regardless of their physical sex 

Asexual - not sexually attracted to members of any sex or gender; still capable of experiencing sexual pleasure, libido & being sexually active, but sexual interest cannot be instinctively directed toward any individual or triggered by their characteristics (just as females are to androsexuals & males to gynosexuals) 

Graysexual - someone whose experience of sexual attraction to others is consistently infrequent, limited to specific circumstances, weak or otherwise ambiguous; direction of attraction is not relevant (ex, andro-graysexual, bi-graysexual, etc)

Allosexual (“Sexual” most commonly used) - someone whose circumstance of experiencing sexual attraction to others is within society’s expectations; direction of attraction is not relevant

Mind-body response - how much experiencing sexual attraction leans more toward a cognitive or physical reaction; may or may not be dissonance 

Internally based - sexual attraction is mainly dependent on individual’s psychological qualities such as personality, mentality, quirks and culturally recognized gender expression

Externally based - sexual attraction is mainly dependent on individual’s physical qualities such as appearance, voice, smell, age and distinguishing characteristics of biological sex

Sexual fluidity - sexual orientation is somewhat prone to change

Sexual rigidity - sexual orientation remains consistent


  • Libido & body’s general sexual functioning

A general mental and/or physical interest in or craving for sexual activity or sexual stimulation. 

It can exist in people of all sexual orientations as it may or may not be directed toward anyone or anything specifically. Libido and sexual arousal are commonly expected to just be invoked by sensing or thinking about certain individuals mainly due to their characteristics (sexual orientation), but it can by triggered by other things and scenarios such as certain objects (fetish), observing/engaging in certain activity regardless of the individuals involved, stimulation of erogenous zones (even if the touch was never desired or consented) or may act up unexpectedly on it’s own. 

Sex drive frequency continuum


[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sex drive strength continuum


[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sex drive influence

Stimuli depedent——————————————-Spontaneous

     1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10

[] N/A: Nonlibidoist

Sexual motivation continuum


      1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

General pleasurablilty from sexual contact (solo)


     1      2      3     4     5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Mixed feelings  [] N/A: Never masturbated

General pleasurablilty from sexual contact (partnered)


1      2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Mixed feelings  [] N/A: No sexual history

Sexual arousal - reflexive reaction to prepare the body for the possibility of sexual contact, such as vaginal lubrication and penile erection; response to or result of certain activity and/or stimulation of erogenous zones, often associated with sex drive

Sex drive - physical craving for sexual stimulation, the bodily counterpart to sexual motivation (though one can exist without the other), often associated with sexual arousal; may or may not be triggered by external influences

Nonlibidoism* - not having a sex drive

Libidoism - having a sex drive, regardless of it’s frequency, strength or circumstance of occurrence 

Sexual motivation - conscious interest in engaging in sexual activity or sexual stimulation, the mental counterpart to sex drive (though one can exist without the other); may be generalized or unconsciously directed 

Hyposexuality (or sexual apathy) - very little to no sexual motivation

Isosexuality - typical amount of sexual motivation 

Hypersexuality - excessive sexual motivation

* Nonlibidoism is sometimes seen as an inherent “side effect” of asexuality, which is not true and may even be potentially harmful to believe. Having a sex drive isn’t necessary to live a healthy, fulfilling life, but in some cases an unexpected change or complete lack of sex drive can be a symptom of a serious medical issue. Even if being a nonlibidoist is not distressing to you, it’s a good idea to see a doctor just to make sure that nothing else is going on.


  • Attitudes

One’s disposition about self or others engaging in sexual behavior. May have as much influence on sexual behavior or celibacy as much as sexual attraction or lack thereof. Not necessarily connected to one’s sexual orientation and is much more subject to change through experience. 

Personally having sex in general


[] Mixed feelings

Society having sex


[] Mixed feelings


Having experimental sex


   1      2       3       4       5       6       7       8       9       10

Sex-Negative - perceives expression of sexuality/sexual behavior as immoral or something best to be avoided

Sex-Neutral - no strong attitude about other’s expression of sexuality/sexual behavior or otherwise perceieves it as a generally neutral topic

Sex-Positive - perceives expression of sexuality/sexual behavior as something that is potentially positive as long as it is consensual 


  • Behavior 

Choices of engaging in or avoiding sexual activity. Behavior such as frequency of having sex and the physical sex of one’s sexual partners is often heavily influenced by sexual orientation for obvious reasons, but can be driven by a number of other things that does not necessarily negate one’s sexual identity such as:

- attitudes toward sex

- curiosity

- exploring one’s sexuality or comfort zone

- compromising with or pleasing romantic partner

- concealing true feelings

- following one’s own moral code

- survival/pressure

- looking for sexual pleasure disregarding who it’s from



      []           1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10



   1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []

    Partner’s physical sex
Exclusively male———————————————Exclusively female

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []

Number of partners at a time 


Style preference 


     1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch


    1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch


     1     2      3      4      5      6      7      8      9      10

[] Switch

N/A: doesn’t engage in partnered sexual activity - Celibate []


I think I got a little too careless with the behavior aspect (some of it isn’t that relevant & I probably left out somethings worth putting in) but I think this can be overall useful.

So I think I got to everything I wanted to for now.

Anything that should be clarified or tweaked?

Filed under ace asexuality attitude attraction bisexual celibacy continuum desire gray A gyno hypersexuality hyposexuality identity introspection libido pansexual queer questioning sex drive sex-negative sex-positive behavior preferences complex